This Week’s Reflections March 1–7.

By: Kailah Lee

I’m always sad around my birthday, but maybe it’s because it occurs around the time same the earth’s final season dies off.

February is the last winter month and a time when life was formed in death — a beginning to another end. I guess emotion follows when life’s cycles align with the psychological effect that growing older and looking back has on me.

March is usually different. It’s a new month. It’s supposed to be a time when I start fresh, but it didn’t exactly happen that way. Instead, the week felt heavy, like it’d been raining all week.

It was warm on Tuesday, so I sat in the sun, thankful to be alive, but then Wednesday came, and I found myself wishing to be gone, thinking of ways to do it quickly.

Wednesday began fine. It felt opportunistic. But in seconds… a single word erupted rage in a household. My home is a greenhouse. Except, I bloom intrinsically. I am fertilized by trauma and hate.

If I cannot grow in this house, why lay a spirit to rest in this house?

Prayer felt only like unheard words, so I stopped. I felt unworthy of speaking to the being I’d lied to repeatedly. My breathing equated to guilt. Am I a body of wasted oxygen?

Years of invalidating my emotions mean my tears are self pitty and that’s just dramatic. So, I didn’t talk to anyone, not God, not you, not anyone who might actually care. So, why would I make my baggage theirs?

If love exists, why can it not perforate our DNA?

Yes, you are imperfect. Yes, you have done a lot for me, but It’s hard to appreciate the places you’re underappreciated.

My hump day feels like the cold shadows that hide below trees in trickery weather. You know? One minute you’re standing where it’s warm and feels good, and in a couple of feet, you’re reminded that it’s actually 58 degrees.

So on Thursday, I went to mars. The fire grew with the pull of oxygen through a straw-like spaceship. I embraced my presence, and I was calm. I met with a faceless man; he pulled me in, and I breathed him out. We are one. Am I better?

Friday, I stayed sober, planning my Saturday morning. It was a day of facades and being selfless for my siblings. Then Sunday came.

I learned that we are constantly battling with our minds and our environment. So, I changed my environment, hoping it would change my mind, and it worked a little. But running away from your shadows only follows you.